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Warning: Contains Boys Love and vulgar language.

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Chapter 13: Look Back; Hold Your Breath


A couple of days passed, and there was still no sign of Jacqueline.

Everyday, Elliot entered second period with his breath held and a planned monologue of all the things he’d say to help get their friendship back on track, and everyday there was no one there waiting for him. Just an empty seat.

The President’s answer didn’t change within the course of the week, either. He’d shake his head with the same paternal expression on his face, an expression too calm and logical for someone who was actually only a few months older than Elliot.

“Just give her more time.”

More time? It’d been nearly a week already! Why did she need more time?

Elliot didn’t think that he could understand the situation anymore, even if he tried. The more he thought about it—and boy, did he ever think about it—the more perplexing it got.

What’d happened was wrong, just plain wrong, and he’d never meant to hurt her…but a week? Was she that angry with him? They’d had a lifelong friendship, and it had only taken a night for it to slip over the edge and down a treacherous hole, where any beacon of hope was dwindling with each passing day.

Wasn’t their friendship strong enough to surpass any bumps or potholes in the road?

What a fuck up, Elliot repeated over and over in his head through out the third day without Jacqueline. No matter what he did, his thoughts always turned back to the situation, to her and Cameron. What a royal fuck up.

Thankfully, lunch breaks offered a brief solace during the daily routine. Nothing felt as liberating as just sitting there on that hill, sometimes talking, sometimes doing nothing more than observing everyone else fluidly interact. He could easily lose himself in their world.

However, no matter how comforting it could be to hang around people who lived lives completely separate from Elliot’s personal life, he couldn’t help but brood occasionally when his thoughts would once again become pensive.

Fortunately, the moods never lasted too long. Not with Cameron around, anyway. Before he would even know it, Cameron would be smiling at him, talking a thousand words a minute. Elliot would lose himself in those words, that smile, that whole other, carefree world.

He couldn’t imagine a time when he’d existed without that smile…

But, maybe he’d been letting himself get too lost in Cameron’s liberating world. Some of the student council work was beginning to pile up in miniature paper mountains, and The President didn’t smile upon laziness and neglect. The last thing Elliot needed was to make anyone else angry because of his actions.

On Wednesday, the club day, Elliot caught Cameron before third period to warn him that he wouldn’t be there for that meeting. When Cameron shrugged his shoulders and said a quiet, “Oh, okay…” an immediate twinge of guilt flexed inside Elliot’s chest. It made him want to retract his last statement, and though he couldn’t, he wished he did while he sat there at his desk, finishing up the last sheets of paper work. His eyes drifted upwards and landed on Jacqueline’s desk, then heavily fell back down onto his work. Work, work, work, work.

Elliot’s pencil stopped halfway through a signature. Before Elliot knew it, a frown had worked its way onto his face, where it would permanently reside for the remainder of the lunch break.

How long would things stay like they were? How long would it take until things would re-find their natural order?

The next day, with the seering red light of the early morning sun, filtered through bulky clouds, Elliot got his answer.


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“Just thirty more minutes,” Cameron whispered, eyes locked on the classroom clock. He watched each stroke of the second hand on the clock, his heart beating in rhythm with each tick. It still wasn’t going fast enough for his liking, even with half of the class already gone. Cameron felt tempted to do something about it. Something amazing, but efficient. Perhaps a little telekinesis was in order?

“What are you so eager about?” Alison audibly groaned.

“What’s not to be eager about?” Cameron responded, both his blue-green orbs following the hands on the clock obsessively. Oh, what he wouldn’t give for superhero-like telekinesis!

“Smartass. Don’t answer my question with another question.” Alison pushed the tip of her black-inked pen around on her blank notebook in tangling circles that much resembled one-dimensional tornadoes. “You’ve been excited all week. Huh. I bet it’s over him.”

Cameron finally tore his eyes away from the clock and shot Alison a look, but his sheepish grin confirmed her theory. Alison lifted her hands in mock praise, eliciting a soft, amused smile from Elena, who sat across from them. Cameron pouted, then playfully flicked her wrist with his nimble fingers, laughing and quickly pulling back before Elena could retaliate.

Their desks were pushed together into a crudely shaped circle, as their teacher had ordered at the beginning of class. And, like the rest of the class, they had barely even started their group work yet. They’d spent the majority of their time just goofing off and sneaking food when the teacher wasn’t looking.

“Somebody likes their blond pricks,” Alison said with a curt snort. “I really don’t…” She paused when their vulture-like teacher circled around their desk, hands crossed behind their back and eyes narrowed as they eyed their blank worksheets before drifting away. Alison shot the teacher a piercing glare the moment their back turned to them. Her voice lowered a few octaves, falling into a hushed whisper. “I really don’t know what you see in that guy. All he ever does is frown and say the most conservative and stuffy things. Really boring.”

“Just give him a chance, Alison. He’s a nice guy, and he can be loads of fun,” Cameron whispered back, frowning when Alison shook her head defiantly. Cameron gestured to the violet-haired girl beside them. “Elena, you don’t think Elliot’s a bad guy, right?”

Elena looked up from their blank worksheet and calmly nodded.

“Traitor,” Alison hissed.

“Alison, why are you acting like this? What has Elliot ever done to you?”

“Nothing. Not that I’d ever give him the opportunity,” Alison snapped. “Why in the world should I give that prick a chance when he didn’t give Maxi one?”

Cameron inwardly flinched at the razor-sharp tone that always seemed to miraculously sharpen Alison’s normally dull voice whenever the conversation turned to Elliot. Where did all of this malice come from?

Beside them, Elena shook her head with an exasperated expression.

“What does whatever happened between Elliot and Maxi have to do with you?” Cameron argued back, unwilling to just sit there and listen to her talk shit about Elliot so freely. Uh, uh. No way; no how. “It’s between them, Alison. Can’t you just give him a chance?”

“Say’s the guy that doesn’t even know what happened. You’re right, Elliot has never personally done anything to me, but I was friends with Maxi when they had their falling out. There are very few people and things I support in this world, and Maxi is one of them.” The corner of Alison’s thin mouth twitched as she bit fiercely down on one of her piercings. “You can go ahead and hang around Mr. Pompous-pants, it’s your life. Just don’t think that I’ll ever act all buddy-buddy with him. Got it?”

“But…!” Cameron groaned. Alison wasn’t even looking at him anymore. Alison had turned around in her seat with only her shoulder and back facing the two of them. Great. Now he was getting the cold-shoulder. Frustration gnawed uselessly at his insides, yearning to be exposed and freed. He wanted to give her a piece of his mind, but when he caught Elena’s eye and when she shook her head, Cameron sighed and slumped in his seat. No part of his inquiring imagination could understand any of this unfounded prejudice. Even if he didn’t know the exact causes of Elliot’s and Maxi’s falling out, what did it matter in the present? From what he could gather, it happened way back when, during the emotionally unstable years of life. People changed with time. How could a past fight possibly apply to anything going on right then and there?

“Fine,” Cameron huffed loudly, pursing his lips. “Be stubborn.”

Alison nodded, responding in an indifferent voice, “Fine.”

“Fine.”

Alison crossed her arms, still not bothering to visually acknowledge him. “Fine.”

Cameron rolled his eyes. For such a logical and practical person, sometimes to the point of coming across as otherworldly, Alison sure had her off-days of acting like an actual adolescent.

“All right. Let’s just get our work done,” he sighed, picking up his pencil and turning his attention to the same list of questions Elena was currently reading over.

A few minutes later, Alison shifted slightly in her chair. Cameron hoped that she’d gotten over her grouchy mood. Instead, she only grabbed her notebook and turned back to her original position, her head bowed as she scribbled in her notebook. Cameron pinched the bridge of his freckled nose between his thumb and forefinger. What was it with people and grudges?

Whatever. Let Alison do what she wanted. If she didn’t want to work, then he and Elena would just do the work. Cameron got started on question one while Elena jumped ahead to question two. He’d only just started answering the question when his mind, like an impatient humming bird, fluttered off to other things. The tension between the three of them was too suffocating to allow him to concentrate on anything but that tension.

Cameron couldn’t wrap his mind around the situation. He’d expected for Alison to shoot down the idea of being pleasant to Elliot, but what he hadn’t expect was that level of antagonism.  Was it really asking too much of her to at least be civil? He didn’t care if his friends didn’t like Elliot. Let them be stubborn and miss out on getting to know him as he saw Elliot. He’d only bothered to ask because Elliot had been having a hard week. Nowhere near as bad as Monday, but every now and then he’d catch Elliot with the usual look he got when he was over thinking things. His eyebrows would be knit together, the corners of his mouth tightly pulled back. It would take at least a minute of repeating Elliot’s name to pull him back down to earth.

He hated to see Elliot look so bothered all of the time. He wanted to ask what was wrong, possibly even help him, too, if he could. However, something about that expression always forcibly kept Cameron’s curiosity on a short leash.

Instead, he figured that the least he could do was try to make lunch break easier for him. It was just too bad that Alison was nowhere near ready to cooperate, not even for the rest of the week.

Oh well. At least he’d tried. With one last glance at the ticking clock that tenaciously kept at its own pace, Cameron attempted to go back work.

All throughout the rest of the class, Alison clung to her opinions and her attitude with a resolve that reminded Cameron to never get on her bad side. Luckily, after a while, she began to join in on the work, only she remained quiet and distant, aside from the few, bored sounding questions about their actual schoolwork.

When the bell rang to end class, Alison grabbed her things and left Cameron and Elena, who hadn’t even gotten up from their seats yet. Cameron watched her storm out the classroom door, shoving one of the girls aside who had innocently been in front of her. One glance at Elena and Cameron knew that she wasn’t the least bit surprised at Alison’s behavior. Cameron tried to distract himself by gathering up his things and setting the desks in their proper arrangement, but he couldn’t shake off the weighty feeling of being responsible for Alison’s current attitude.

He hoped things would settle down and improve at the hill.

Except, strangely enough, Alison wasn’t there at the hill, and neither was Maxi. They were usually the first ones out there, lazily lying around, talking and waiting for Cameron and Elena to catch up.

Cameron stopped near the top of the hill, staring at the place where Maxi and Alison usually sat together, unaware of the chilly wind as it thinly whistled.

“Elena?”

Elena looked up, her delicate hands pulling on her uniform jacket.

“Do you know where Alison and Maxi are?”

She shook her head.

Cameron hummed to himself. “Okay, thanks.” He dropped down to the ground, settling for just sitting quietly, bumping his feet together in spontaneous patterns while Elena read her newest hard cover novel.

Bump, bump, bump.

Still no sign of Elliot, or Maxi and Alison. Cameron resisted the urge to outwardly sigh. They were only halfway through the day, and it seemed like it was dragging on forever. Thankfully it was lunchtime, and if fate was feeling particularly kind on that cloudy afternoon, then Elliot would come around the corner at any second. The thought perked up Cameron’s heavy thoughts.

I haven’t seen him all day. I hope he’s feeling better.

A minute later, Elliot came storming around the corner of the school. Cameron sat up properly, his hand already shooting up into the air and waving wildly. Cameron slowly stopped waving as Elliot drew nearer. His hand fell back to his side when he caught the unmistakable expression etched across the other boys face.

That was not a happy expression.

On some invisible cue—a cue that pushed Cameron to his feet and forced him into a jog to meet the obviously distraught boy—Cameron held out his hands and stopped Elliot in the middle of his charge.

“Whoa there!” Up close, Cameron could make out the tightness of Elliot’s jaw, along with the thinness of his pursed lips. Something was definitely up. “Everything okay?”

“Oh yeah. Everything’s fine. Peachy. Fan-fucking-tabulous.” Elliot let out a low, rumbling exhale. It reminded Cameron of a semi-growl, one that promised severe consequences to anyone that dared get in his way.

“Really?” Cameron inquired with a cocked eyebrow. “Because, from the sound of it, I’m inclined to think that you’re not okay.” Elliot threw Cameron a stunned look. Cameron crossed his arms. “C’mon now. What’s up?”

Elliot’s hard expression faltered before softening a little. “I just came to tell you that I won’t be here today.”

Cameron’s mouth dropped, almost hanging off of its hinges. “What? Why?”

“I just can’t be around them today. I'm not in the mood to be around assholes right now.” Elliot cast a cold look over Cameron’s shoulder, his expression darkening. Cameron’s blue-green orbs followed until they landed on Maxi and Alison crossing over the hill from the trees. Elliot growled, “Speak of the devil…”

Cameron turned back to Elliot. “Did something happen?”

“I gotta go. I’ll see you later.”

Cameron shook his head furiously. “No, wait! Give me a second.”

Elliot paused, and though his expression was hard and unyielding, he stopped. Trusting that he was really waiting, Cameron bolted off towards the hill. By the time he’d reached the top, Maxi and Alison had finally gotten there. Maxi was making it a point to pretend that Elliot wasn’t waiting just a couple of feet away. He talked in a loud, obnoxious voice that really didn’t become him. Alison did the opposite and made it her every business to glare at Elliot from across the short distance. Even with her eyes focused intensely on Elliot, Cameron could still feel the searing heat coming off of her glower.

I don’t have time for this juvenile crap. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He said a quick good-bye then jogged off, ignoring the intense eyes that burned into him. He offered the dirty-blond boy an encouraging grin when he reached him. Elliot re-shouldered his book bag and began walking with Cameron rushing up to Elliot’s side.

“Where are we going?”  

Elliot shrugged, answering in a distant voice, “No idea.”

They walked around the back of the school, under the cool shade by the brick building, Elliot’s apparent but enigmatic determination keeping the both of them quiet.

Then, out of nowhere, Elliot stopped dead in his tracks. Cameron looked around, his thoughts at odds with themselves while he tried to decipher the situation. Then Elliot abruptly turned and began heading towards the football field out back.

Here we go again, Cameron thought, trailing after the distraught boy so as not to be left behind.

They finally came to a stop out in the middle of the field, where the wind blew strongest. There was no one else in sight. Just the two of them, endless grass and clouds that submitted to the winds will, and the metal risers off in the distance, situated in opposition to the brick school.

“At least the view’s good,” Cameron said with a light chuckle. To his faint disappointment, the only sound that acknowledged the comment was the careless thump of Elliot dropping his book bag onto the trimmed grass. “Right,” Cameron mumbled under his breath. He rubbed the back of his neck till the skin warmed from the friction. “Bad mood.”

Elliot began to pace back and forth, his fingers tangling and fidgeting with nervous energy. His breathing was alarmingly long and even, obviously forced. After a quick flicker of concern, Cameron plopped down onto the grass and stared up at the pacing boy.

“Elliot?”

The dirty-blond haired boy stopped, his expression too solemn and troubled for someone his age. Cameron smiled gently and lightly pat the grass beside him. “Sit.”

Elliot did nothing at first. He stared blankly before disbelief dominated his expression. “Sit? I can’t sit at a time like this. I can’t even keep still.” He noticed his hands fidgeting as he said this and quickly crossed his arms to keep his hands still. “See? I think I’m going to explode soon. I have to do something, but I don’t know what.”

Cameron leaned forward, grabbed Elliot by the wrist, and yanked him down to the ground, along with yanking out a startled yelp from the other boy. Elliot collapsed onto the ground beside him with a sloppy, muted thud. When he shot Cameron an accusatory look, Cameron simply shrugged.

“Sitting isn’t going to hurt you. Besides, I don’t think the school would appreciate you walking a long hole into the ground from pacing. Waste of money, right? Kinda bad for the field, too.” Cameron strengthened his supportive smile and pat Elliot on the shoulder. Elliot looked down, his mouth pulled into a faint scowl.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Naturally,” Cameron replied cheekily, subtly studying the tension in the other boy’s shoulders and clenched jaw. Movement from below caught his eye, and he watched with sympathetic astonishment as Elliot’s hands began to pull at the short grass, viciously plucking each blade.

Cameron pointed to the slowly growing pile. “I do that, too.”

Elliot paused. “Do what?”

“Take my bad moods out on grass,” Cameron explained. “Whenever I get too nervous or impatient for me to handle, I pull grass, or tear leaves apart. It’s pretty unfair to Mother Nature if you really think about it.”

Elliot nodded, only the very corner of his mouth slightly turning up. “Heh. Yeah.”

Cameron took one last look at Elliot’s weary face and said, “You know, if you feel that bad, maybe you should lay down.” He put both his hands on Elliot’s shoulders and began to push down. “You look really tired, anyways. It couldn’t hurt.”

Elliot automatically resisted. He wouldn’t even budge. “I don’t want to,” he mumbled in a long, even exhale while prying Cameron’s hands off his shoulders.

Cameron nodded, fighting off the sense of disappointment that accompanied him. He knew that Elliot wasn’t upset at him, and that he was just up to his knees with unspoken problems, but he couldn’t help but feel a little dejected from being brushed off. “Sorry you’re in a bad mood?” he said in an uncertain voice.

Elliot didn’t bother to look up, but he nodded. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault. You shouldn’t worry about it, either.” Pluck, pluck. A growing pile of short, withering, and now maimed grass was collecting in front of his crossed legs.

“You’re not going to tell me what’s wrong, are you?”

Elliot said nothing. The wind whistled in the background, carrying with it the tiny but sharp sound of grass being pulled, as well as ruffling their hair and clothes, reminding them both that it was no longer early autumn. They’d have to change into their winter uniforms soon.

Even though he had absolutely no clue as to what was eating Elliot from the inside—he was, however, certain that it was something huge—Cameron knew that Elliot’s bad mood was beginning to rub off on him. He didn’t want to feel miserable, but he couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t believe that just earlier that day, when he’d arrived at school, he’d thought that the cloudy sky had looked bright. It looked so dull and bleak now. Where was the sun? Was it hiding?

Cameron audibly groaned and fell backwards onto the grass. His hands pat an unknown beat on his legs before the dreariness finally pulled a defeated sigh from him. He couldn’t bear this. He only wished that he could do something—anything—to make Elliot smile. It was such a shame that Elliot succumbed to cynicism so easily.

Elliot’s hands ceased their meticulous plucking. He slowly turned. Cameron’s heart and stomach clenched when he saw the glimmer of split-second preparation.

Oh fuck.

When Elliot first opened his mouth, nothing came. He noisily cleared his throat, then forced out, “I messed up.”

Cameron felt his throat close up; he said nothing.

Elliot swallowed. His teeth tugged at the corner of his bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth while he noticeably prepared his next words. “I messed up, and now she hates me.”

Cameron re-found his voice, hiding at the very back of his throat where it didn’t particularly want to be found. “Who hates you?”

“Jacqueline.”

His voice was weak from burdening anticipation, scared that if he spoke too fast or loud, it’d shatter the moment, and Elliot would just give up and leave. “…Why?”

It happened again. Elliot went to speak, but nothing came out. Nothing, aside from the tiniest groan before Elliot tore his eyes away and fixed them onto the grass.

Not a good sign. Cameron’s stomach was already doing acrobatics at double speed, ready to break the world record before it could decide to do anything stupid. Like, throw up the contents of his stomach, per chance?

Cameron’s voice quivered slightly from vulnerability. “Elliot?”

“…I don’t even know how to say this,” was all Elliot said. That was all Cameron needed to hear to feel a fearful tremor quake through him.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know.

“Then…start from the beginning.” How he could speak at such a moment when he could hardly breathe without manually telling himself to was beyond a mystery to his preoccupied mind. “What happened?”

Elliot played around with the tiny pile of uprooted grass. He was staring off into the distance, searching for something unknown. Searching for words and a voice with which to speak with.

The anticipation was murderous.

He was still staring off into the distance. “You remember Jacqueline’s Halloween party, right?” Even his voice sounded far away and unreachable.

“…Yeah?”

“And everything that happened in the basement?”

Cameron nodded, blushing lightly at the thought. When Elliot said nothing, Cameron figured that he hadn’t seen the simple movement. “Yes, I remember.”

“And you went home afterwards?”

Cameron’s eyebrows furrowed at the memory, but again, he nodded. He could remember those significantly stretching moments when he’d been too stunned and aching from rejection to do much else but leave the party in a zombie-like fashion. The memory still burned in his mind, it’s only remedy being the knowledge that everything was different—better—now.

“Yeah.” Cameron wet his dry lips. He became too aware of how chilly and susceptible it felt to be out in the middle of the field with Elliot. “Didn’t you?”

Elliot shook his head.

Cameron swallowed. I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know. “So…?” For such a soft word, it sounded stiff and forced.

Elliot finally pried his lost gaze away from the distance and back to Cameron, but Elliot didn’t look at him for long. The moment their eyes met, Elliot’s fell.

“It could have been anyone,” Elliot began, his voice unbearably calm. “I wasn’t thinking. I don’t even remember all of it. I was just too focused on things—one thing—and it just shut the rest of the world out. I grabbed the first girl that talked to me…” Elliot paused, then heaved a large sigh. “I didn’t want to accept what was going on. I was damn determined to prove the universe wrong, but…I made a terrible mistake. I used a dear friend, and all for some foolhardy attempt to prove to myself something that, in all likely hood, isn’t true. In the end, I only confirmed what I feared and hurt her and our friendship in the process.” Elliot swallowed thickly. “I’ll be lucky if she even wants to speak to me again.”

For one tormenting moment, there was nothing but the occasional howl of the wind. The bleak clouds were crawling across the blue-grey canvas of the sky. Cameron’s heart was throbbing, the strike of each beat resonating through him. Elliot didn’t have to say anymore. Realization had already chosen it’s moment to dawn, and its light was blinding.

I think I know.

Despite himself, his seething jealousy, his every emotion that raced by much too quickly to be properly felt or explored—a betraying smile slid over his lips.

“So you used her.” How distant and weak his voice sounded. Far away that he was hearing echoes in his ears. The slightest movement made his skin crawl with upset shivers. The irony was that he could no longer stay still. Cameron forced all of his energy on keeping himself together. It’d been a long time since he’d felt anything of the sort.

For the first time during that conversation, Elliot looked Cameron deeply in the eyes and didn’t look away. There was no shortage of guilt and burden gleaming in those light brown pools.

“Yes. I panicked…then left without a word. I—” Elliot cut himself off. He was biting his lip again. “I made a horrible mistake, and I handled it in the worst way possible. It didn't get too far, I can't imagine it ever going that far, but still... I'm no virgin, but the very thought of even... ” His hand touched his forehead as he struggled for words. "But that's not the point. I... I fucked up."

Cameron nodded. He swore that he was feeling so much at that one moment that he could feel nothing at all. To instinctively know the truth was one thing, but to hear it aloud…there were no words. He couldn’t place a name to what it was that painfully throbbed inside. All he knew was that it was something ugly, something repulsive.

The word “adversary” came to mind, whispered in a sweet, wind-chime voice that only sprinkled salt over the gaping wound. “That explains a lot” Cameron said to fill the deafening silence. The confession flicked on numerous light switches in his head. “And today?”

“She was home all week. She said she needed space to clear her head, but she came back today.”

“And?”

“And she barely talked to me.” Elliot sighed. “She just sat there during both periods two and three. She said hi when I greeted her and that was it.” The suffocating emotion squeezed Cameron’s heart as he studied the other’s broken-hearted and defeated expression. “I wanted to talk to her, but I couldn’t. I don’t think she would’ve listened to me. When class ended, she just took off. I guess she can’t stand to be anywhere near me.” Elliot heaved another sigh, only this time it shook at the end. “I don’t blame her.”

I wouldn’t blame her, either, Cameron thought privately. The situation sent chills rippling up and down his spine, chills both angry and sympathetic. Just a week ago, he’d been in Jacqueline’s shoes. Well, metaphorically speaking, a shoe size near hers. He could only too vividly recall those lethal feelings, those moments of hope that had only ripped his insides to shreds when Elliot had temporarily rejected him. Except now, aftering hearing everything, he could relate only too well to her.  Cameron shuddered again.

“Cold?” Elliot asked in the same smooth, oddly calm voice.

“Sure.” Cameron always did hate lies, but in this case, even he could make an exception. Things were horrid enough without him adding his own personal, private drama to the mix. It’s not like we’re even technically together. Not then, and not now. Elliot can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. Those were the unwritten laws of the logical world, and no feeling or thought he would ever experience would be able to change that.

Naturally, that only made those feelings that much worse.

Elliot fell quiet again, his intense gaze making Cameron squirm. He gave himself another minute to keep himself calm and in control, as there was no need to blurt out anything stupid and potentially damaging. There was so much he wanted to ask and say, but now wasn’t the time. Instead, he said, “Why do you think she hates you?”

Elliot shrugged, or at least did a movement parallel to it. “I’m not sure, exactly. I think it’s because I used her, then just sprang everything on her the next day; just told her right afterwards that I didn't know whether I was, well, straight or not, and that I was wrong for using and hurting her," Elliot said, his breathing long and measured. "Maybe she doesn't like the idea of experimenting. I don't know, she won't tell me. She won’t tell anyone anything. She just smiles politely and carries on.”

“Oh.” Cameron tried to ignore the mental visuals of Jacqueline wrapped up in Elliot’s arms. The image of Jacqueline curled up, crying her heart out. He didn’t want to feel that much sympathy, but he did. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” Elliot answered with another failed shrug. “I’m still sort of taking it all in. Everything’s happened so fast. I’m just the passenger in all of this right now, even though I did steer everything off course…I’m trying to let everything sort itself out on its own right now. I’ve done enough damage as it is.”

Cameron nodded, unable to take his eyes away from the brooding boy. He looked exhausted in more ways than one, and it was noticeable in his very body language. Slumped shoulders, downtrodden expression, teeth insistently biting his lower lip. He looked like one more sudden load of stress would crush him.

“Ugh. Enough of this,” Cameron groaned. Elliot watched Cameron get up and dust himself off with wide eyes. “I can’t stand just sitting around, moping. I need movement.” Despite the aching lurch in his chest when he looked at Elliot, knowing full well that the gorgeous boy was no more his than Jacqueline’s, he asked, “What do you say? You in?”

“What could we possibly do out here?”

“Well, we have tons of space, seeing as this is a football field,” Cameron mused. He racked his brain for ideas, eyeing the field intently before tripping over one. “I know! We could do cartwheels!”

Elliot cocked a single eyebrow. “Cartwheels?” he repeated dubiously.

“Yeah. Cartwheels would be perfect. It’s nice and flat here, and there’s nothing to trip over.” Cameron grinned sheepishly and added, “Unless you’re me. I trip over my own two feet all the time. You saw my club performance here, right? I bet you saw me face plant. Just the memory brings back the pain. I think I actually got a bruise from that one, somewhere on my arm.”

To Cameron’s surprise—and delight—Elliot’s mouth twitched, almost turning into a small smile. Almost. “I remember.” The way he said it sounded like he remembered a few other things, too. Cameron couldn’t help but remember a few things of his own. He remembered glorious white blonde curls, calm, blue-grey eyes, and full, rose-red lips that shaped the word “adversary”. Cameron’s jaw tightened.

He stretched his arms high above his head, high enough that when he looked directly up at the blue and grey sky, it looked almost like he could rip fluffy sheets of clouds from above. "Elliot, have you ever done cartwheels before?"

"Not since grade school."

"Why am I not surprised," Cameron said with a faint laugh, though it felt heavier than usual. He took one look at Elliot and crossed his arms. "C'mon, get up. I want to see you do one."

Elliot's eyes looked like they were going to fall out of their sockets. "Now?"

Cameron snorted and blew his hair out of his eyes. "Yeah, now. I want to see the amazing Elliot do a simple cartwheel." Just as he suspected, Elliot narrowed his eyes and huffed. Cameron laughed again, only this time it was lighter and throatier. He bent down and grabbed a hold of Elliot's wrist. After quite a bit of resistance, he grabbed the other wrist, and finally hauled Elliot up. Cameron backed up to give Elliot a little room, but the dirty-blond haired boy did nothing but stand idly by, his eyes still narrowed with bemusement.

"Why're you just standing there?" Cameron inquired.

“Why’re you?” Elliot retorted with a light scoff.

“Do you forget how?”

Elliot snorted and rolled his eyes. “Me? Forget? No way.”

Cameron smirked. “Then what’s the hold up?”

“There is no hold up. I’m just taking my time.”

Cameron cocked an eyebrow and smiled. “Really now?” He crossed the short distance between the two of them in a few strides. Elliot’s eyes followed him as Cameron circled around him, stopping when he was directly behind the dirty-blond haired boy. Cameron took a hold of both Elliot’s wrists and pulled them high above their heads.

“Step one,” Cameron teased. “Remember to keep your hands up, or else you’ll face-plant into the ground, and trust me when I say that it hurts. Unless of course you feel like messing up your handsome face.”

Elliot choked, quickly coughing to disguise the blunder. “What?”

“Step two,” Cameron continued. He tapped the back of Elliot’s knee with his shoe and watched the knee give a slight jolt at the contact. “Remember to run. A jog works, too, but in my opinion, its best to give it all you’ve got before the huge leap.”

Elliot looked at Cameron over his shoulder, his eyes narrowing. “This is really unnecessary…”

Cameron smiled back. “Then show me.”

“You show me, first.”

Cameron whistled. “Oh, a challenge? Now that’s more like it.” Elliot still seemed nowhere near his passionately stubborn self, but this was pretty damn close. If he could distract Elliot from his problems, then perhaps he'd be able to keep himself distanced and untouched from it as well.

Cameron pulled away from Elliot, hands leaving the other’s wrists to nosily crack his knuckles while he looked for a good starting point. He shifted his body weight from one foot to the other, and rubbed his hands together.

“Watch,” Cameron declared, “And learn from the master.”

Elliot rolled his eyes, but he was smirking, looking all around more into things. “Watching,” he answered in the same tone a parent would use when a child demanded for their attention when they jumped off the highest diving board at a pool.

Cameron took a deep breath—a steadying one—and waited for a silent, instinctive cue. In a split-second decision, he sprung forward in a burst of energy. He hastily turned before leaping off the ground, one foot after the other. He felt his hands collide with the ground, reaffirming his steady existence on the ground before he pushed off and clumsily landed back on both feet. Cameron caught his breath and threw both hands into the air.

“Ta-da!” He bowed to an invisible audience, perfectly aware that Elliot was now biting his lower lip to keep from snickering. “All right. I fulfilled my end of the bargain. Where’s yours?”

“I don’t know. I’m having second thoughts,” Elliot mocked sighed, his lips pulling into a small pout. “Maybe a back flip would persuade me.”

Cameron blinked. “A back flip? You’re crazy!” Not even a second later, he added, “I accept.”

Elliot waited off to the side while Cameron physically prepped himself. He looked all around him, testing the flexibility of his back and arms.

“I can’t remember the last time I attempted a back flip. I think I was twelve? Massive failure, by the way. I have no idea if I can actually do it…” Cameron hummed, clapping his hands together. “I may be a master, but I can’t exactly perform miracles. Whatever happens will be a surprise, even to me.”

Elliot brushed off the explanations. “Stop procrastinating and just do it already.”

“Roger,” Cameron saluted and took his stance. He’d just gotten into the mindset to be able to attempt the stunt when a new, arguably better, idea slithered into his thoughts and presented a tempted idea. A cunning smile to match the equally cunning idea unfurled over Cameron’s mouth.

“Five,” Cameron counted down, “Four, three, two, two and a half, two and a quarter, two and one sixth…”

“Just go alread—”

Cameron let out a loud yelp, much like a fierce battle cry, that took Elliot completely off guard to the point of momentary shock. Not a second was wasted. Cameron bolted forward, threw out his arms, and collided right into the older boy, sending the two of them slamming into the ground with a hard thump.

“Ow,” Elliot groaned, squirming underneath the freckled boy that lay overtop him. Cameron pushed himself up and began shaking Elliot by the shoulders. Two, wide shining pools of light brown stared at him, utterly stunned.

“Back flip my ass! Where’s my cartwheel? We had a deal,” Cameron shouted, on the verge of laughing wildly. “Cartwheel! Cartwheel! Cartwheel!”

Elliot groaned again. He pushed and shoved at Cameron; however, the red-haired boy was a little too heavy to be that easily shoved away. “Get off,” Elliot commanded, his annoyance only deepening the longer that Cameron laughed.

Cameron stuck out his tongue. “Phbbbt. Make me.”

A smirk crossed Elliot’s features. “Fine.” He abruptly put all of his strength into shoving Cameron on one side; effectively rolling the two of them over, their roles easily reversed within seconds. “There.” Elliot smirked down at Cameron’s surprised face. “How does it feel now, being out of control?”

Cameron took advantage of Elliot’s ‘in the moment’ cockiness. His fingers shot along Elliot’s side, quickly searching for an Achilles heel. He knew that he’d found his prize when Elliot let out a scream—honestly, a scream—and fell down beside Cameron, his arms gripping his sides, eyes seething.

“Whoa! I bet you China heard that one,” Cameron chuckled, unable to keep himself from smiling guilty. Elliot’s glare intensified.

“That’s not funny. How did you even know that I’m ticklish there?”

“I didn’t.” Telling by his answer, Cameron guessed that it only aggravated Elliot more to know that the whole thing was nothing more than a lucky fluke. “I just guessed—and won.” He went to poke Elliot’s side, but Elliot’s white-sleeved arms tightened to the point of looking almost like a straight jacket. Cameron made a face, but instantaneously broke out into more laughter when he caught Elliot pouting in a very childlike—but nonetheless very adorable—way.

“Aw, c’mon. It was just a bit of fun.” Cameron rose up on his elbows. “Hey, I bet you can’t find my weak spot,” he added.

Elliot just stared at him, both eyes like two smoldering suns. Cameron sighed. Back to this old game and attitude. Oh well, at least it wasn’t as bad as before. Cameron rolled over and got up on both knees. He was about to get up when a large, dominating weight pressed up against him. Two arms shot out from each of Cameron’s sides, the hands already clawed and scurrying all over Cameron’s stomach and upper torso. Cameron gasped, struggling against his stubborn captor until…

“Gah! Stop!” Cameron yelped, leaping out of his skin when Elliot’s left hand found one, discreetly hidden spot just along his ribcage. “T—That tickles!”

“You’re the one that dared me,” Elliot breathed, his breath hot against the nape of Cameron’s neck. “You have no one to blame but yourself.”

Cameron exploded into a fit of shaky laughter when Elliot ran his fingers lightly over the same vulnerable spot. Even through his school uniform, that light touch sent explosive jolts shooting through him, making his lungs work over time for each breath that sought an unfound calm.

“E—Elliot! Stop! Can’t b—breathe!” Cameron forced out between each weak, breathy laugh. Each inhale burned, long with each aching exhale. To his relief, Elliot stopped, settling for just keeping his hands still, poised on Cameron’s side.

After Cameron had regained enough air to calm down and talk, he shot a mock-glare over his shoulder at Elliot. “You’re evil.”

Elliot’s eyebrows rose. He didn’t look in the least surprised. “As I’ve said, you’re the one that dared me. Besides,” the same smirk returned, “You were practically asking for it.”

Cameron huffed dejectedly. “True.” Elliot had a point. There was nothing he could do or say to change that one, crippling fact. “I guess you win this time. In any case, you can let go now.”

Elliot made no move to let go. Instead, his arms slid further along Cameron’s sides, encasing him in a protective embrace. Cameron froze, his insides dancing with clumsy feet. Elliot pressed his face against Cameron’s shoulder, pulling the freckled boy closer in his arm. Cameron gulped. He could feel Elliot’s heart beat against his back—a little faster than normal—as well as feel his hot breath caressing his clothed shoulder and the nape of his neck in hot wafts. For someone with a hammering heart, Elliot sure did breathe calmly.

Cameron shifted a little, beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. Why was Elliot holding him so close and being so quiet? He would’ve asked if it weren’t for his own nerves keeping his curiosity chained up. Was Elliot still down, even after their playful banter?

But why would he be—

…Oh. Yeah…

I bet he’s brooding over it again, Cameron thought with an inward sigh, aware of the sturdy, warm pressure from Elliot’s arms. He probably can’t get it off his mind.

Thinking about Elliot being down, along with the reason why, only served to poison and weaken Cameron’s writhing insides to the point of nausea.

Did he hold her like this? A hurt voice demanded in his head, too wounded and betrayed to ever be voiced aloud. Cameron stiffened, Elliot’s hug both welcomed and resented. The arms trapped him, but ironically enough, Cameron wanted those arms to pull him closer, and stay there. Did she feel warm and willing? Did she feel the same as I do right now?

He wanted the horrid images to leave his head. He wanted those wonderfully strong hands to never touch anyone else so intimately.

As if it were established by some unspoken routine, the school bell echoed far off, barely reaching them and their little world. Elliot’s arms left Cameron, much to his displeasure, and he got up. Cameron allowed himself on private moment where he tried to cling to that fleeting moment of being so close to the other boy, without letting the negative feelings contaminate the memory. He wished that the ground would crack open beneath him and swallow his horrid feelings whole, but the ground remained still and stable. Cameron inwardly sighed before getting up, reaching for his messenger bag.

Elliot was fiddling with his fingers by the time Cameron was ready to go. Cameron paused and gazed at Elliot, still hurt, still confused by the situation, but still infatuated. Cameron was already smiling when Elliot’s gaze met his, and he was already talking while he let his mind linger behind the entire confession over and over again.

“C’mon slow poke,” Cameron teased while nudging Elliot’s side with his elbow, wishing that it didn't hurt to be so close to the dirty-blond haired boy. “I’ll walk you to class.”


~+~+~+~+~+~+~


If there was one thing Cameron hated about heavy, negative feelings, it was that they always had this aggravating way of temporarily dying rose-tinted glasses blue.

Nothing occupied his thoughts but Elliot’s confession at lunch. He’d be in the middle of copying notes, in a daze, but when he’d go back and read over what he’d written, he’d sometimes miss complete words, or add a few that were only relevant to the ones thrashing about in his head.

He really couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t get over it; he couldn’t forget.

Okay, so he slept with her. It’s not the end of the world, he reasoned, trying his best to coax himself out of his awful mood when the final bell rang, officially ending class for the day. So what? It was just sex, a physical act. That much is obvious. There’s no doubt that he didn’t like it. Why else would he agree to experimenting? So, nothing’s changed. Not really. It’s all in my head. Cameron gathered up the last of his things and made his way through the halls. He was more than ready to go home, where he could be alone for a little while.

Nothing’s changed, and even if we’re not technically together, he still chose me over Jacqueline, so what is there to be worried or upset about? Not that I have any logical reason to sulk, anyway. I should just be glad that he likes me and trusts me enough to have told me anything at all.

His spirits were already beginning to perk up a bit. For the first time that afternoon, Cameron honestly smiled.

Yeah. He likes me. He trusts me, too. I should be happy. Besides, what’s in the past is in the past. No use sulking.

Cameron’s eyes drifted over the crowd, not really seeing the people—more like through them—as he made his way to the front doors.

He almost froze completely when white-blonde curls caught his eyes through the haze of the crowd. His heart only stopped when a pair of blue-grey eyes washed over him, a cool and numb feeling overwhelming him as he stared back. His smile slipped away as he stared back at Jacqueline, no longer seeing anyone else in the crowd but for the girl just a few feet away. The eyes that gazed back at him were fragile, already shining with wetness the moment she noticed him. Cameron’s heart ached with unbearable sympathy. He knew of no words to say to ease her heavy heart, nor was he even sure if he should.

Jacqueline turned her head, her bouncy curls hiding her face from view as she slipped through the crowd, escaping from sight.

Cameron’s heart began to beat again, and before he realized it, he was already moving to go after her. A heavy flow of people moved in front of him, blocking his path. By the time the current had passed through, Jacqueline was nowhere to be seen. Cameron frowned, instinctively knowing that there was nothing he could do or say to help her, or the situation, by any means at all.

Although everything was technically in the past, and logically speaking, he had no right to feel depressed, Cameron hurried for his car. He was more than ready to get home so that he could be alone, if only for the rest of the day, so that he could face tomorrow with a smile.


~+~+~+~+~+~+~


To Be Continued